Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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