Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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