listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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