so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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