Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
