he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
