guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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