Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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