fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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