I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
