My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
