Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
