i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
