dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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