My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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