He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
