How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
