I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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