The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
