don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
