My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
