I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
