She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
