Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
