i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
