Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Randomize
