Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
