Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
