just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
