I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
