Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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