I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
