I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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