If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
