I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
