Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
