My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
