Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
