I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
