If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
