when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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