Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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