shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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