i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
