We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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