So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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