Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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