My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Randomize
