I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
