I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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