i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
