Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
