I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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