On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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