I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
