Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
