i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pants are for mortals
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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