if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
