Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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