Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
