Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
