Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
