Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he laminated a picture of his dick.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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